


Leave My Loneliness Unbroken

by zomi_hime (NZM11497)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Beau can't handle feelings too well, F/F, One-Shot, One-sided pining, beaujester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 05:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20109544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NZM11497/pseuds/zomi_hime
Summary: “Out of sight, out of mind… right?”She found herself muttering this to herself at least five times a day whenever she laid eyes on her bubbly blue companion. The adorable lilt in her cheerful voice, the bounce in her step when she walked, her bright smile that lit up every room she entered; how was she supposed to be able to ignore any of it? It goes without saying that the feat was next to impossible, but somehow, she managed to make it all seem like white noise. As painful as it was for her, anyway.





	Leave My Loneliness Unbroken

“Out of sight, out of mind… right?”

She found herself muttering this to herself at least five times a day whenever she laid eyes on her bubbly blue companion. The adorable lilt in her cheerful voice, the bounce in her step when she walked, her bright smile that lit up every room she entered; how was she supposed to be able to ignore any of it? It goes without saying that the feat was next to impossible, but somehow, she managed to make it all seem like white noise. As painful as it was for her, anyway.

Beauregard wasn’t necessarily the most open when it came to her emotions, whether it be expressing them or acknowledging them. Her delivery was usually awkward—it had to take the mentoring of the more charismatic Fjord to even teach her how to smile properly. The others would poke fun at how awkward she could be, sometimes sympathizing with their own social awkwardness. She wouldn’t mind it much until Jester joined in; then it had Beau feeling something completely different.

When someone like Caleb pointed out Beau’s rigid nature, it was easy for her to brush it off—Caleb Widogast of all people judging Beau’s charisma was a bit laughable. But Jester, however… It took a lot of mental fortitude for her not to be visibly flustered. She would stumble on her words in hopes not to sound completely incompetent and her blue eyes would dart in every other direction that wasn’t near Jester.

“Fuck, why did I say that? Now she’s gonna think I’m such a loser.”

Beau’s inner thoughts would always talk down at her, belittling her for things that could’ve happened in place of what actually occurred. They say that one’s worst critic was themselves, and it seemed especially true for Beauregard. She couldn’t understand what the issue was, it wasn’t like she was talking to a complete stranger; it was just Jester.

Countless, sleepless nights she would stay up, planning conversation starters and researching fun facts that Jester might be interested in. She would even try to step outside her comfort zone and go shopping for dresses with Jester just to spend quality time with her. She wanted to grow closer with her, she wanted to learn all there was to know about Jester Lavorre.

That was until her emotions got involved.

Days would go by when wanting to be around Jester became needing to be around her. The first thing she thought about in the morning and the last thought in her mind at night was Jester. She wanted to make sure she was always safe, always happy, always sure that Jester’s well-being wasn’t compromised. She was like this with all her friends, but with Jester, there was a sense of urgency with it. They began talking more often, confiding in each other. Secrets were shared between them that they wouldn’t even dream of telling the rest of the group. Beauregard was letting her wall down ever so carefully. But that couldn’t happen.

Beau was never one to let her vulnerability show. She was a member considered to be the group’s rock, the glue that held everyone together at times. She was tough, she was fierce, but of all the things she wasn’t, it was vulnerable. Some time ago, it was easy to keep her tough exterior intact—keep a scowl on your face, have your guard up, and go with your gut. These were the key characteristics that were familiar to Beau. She had to keep those going for her; there was no room for anyone else behind those walls.

She came up with a game plan and she saw to it that it didn’t fall through. She would gradually spend less time with Jester; conversations between them became more tedious rather than meaningful. She would actively try to make sure at least someone else was around so that she didn’t find herself alone with Jester. She couldn’t allow her walls to crumble in the very least, even if it came at a painful cost. If the feelings weren’t going to go away by themselves, then she had to force them out.

There was only one fundamental issue with this plan: Jester. Particularly how all of this could affect their friendship/ Beau thought she had caught herself early on, but on the contrary, she was too far gone. Her heart already etched how she felt into stone, and this moment cemented it all.

“Hey, Beau. Are you awake?”

Her and Jester were sharing a room as usual when the group bedded down in a local tavern for the night. Beau could’ve opted to room with someone else, but this was just natural for her.

“Yeah, what’s up?” she quietly responds, curling up in her bed with her back towards Jester.

“Oh, good! I didn’t want to wake you up,” she sighed in relief. “Can… can I talk to you about something?”

Fighting the urge to turn towards her, Beau continued shuffling around in her bed. “Sure. What’s wrong?”

“Well, there isn’t anything _wrong_, just… weird,” Jester begins, propping herself up on her elbow.

“Weird how?”

“Weird like… hmm, how do I say this? I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Beau’s stomach violently turns. What could she have to say? Why would it hurt her feelings? Did she even want to know? She swallows a painful lump in her throat, “C’mon, Jess, you know me by now. Go ahead.”

Jester sighs and cautiously asks, “Do you not like me anymore, Beau?”

Almost instinctively, Beau springs up and stares at Jester with shocked, wide eyes. “What the hell are you talking about, Jester?”

A bit startled, Jester sits up as well, but her demeanor was still a bit cautious. “Did I do something to make you upset or something?”

“What makes you say that?”

She shrugs, “I don’t know! Every time I try to talk to you about something, your mind is somewhere else. Did I do something wrong?”

The flaws in her plan were exposing themselves to Beau and it was becoming a bit too overwhelming, but she had to remain as calm as she could—a difficult task to pull off given these circumstances.

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. A lot’s just been on my mind, that’s all.” It was a simple lie but being put on the spot doesn’t bode well for anyone.

“What do you mean?” Jester asks, a worried tone in her voice. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine,” Beau quickly answers, waving her hand dismissively. “I’m sure I can just sleep it off or something.”

Suddenly, the air around Jester became more downcast as her eyes meet the floor. “I just feel like I’m a part of your problem.”

The sight of her blue friend was eating away at Beau. It definitely complicated things to a new degree. Her internal screams began drowning any other thought that came to mind and the panic began setting in. But she refused to let it show. After all, she was the one Jester relied on to be the strong one. Beau goes over, taking a seat next to Jester and places a hand on her shoulder.

She heavily sighs, “I promise that you didn’t do anything, Jess. I don’t hate you or anything. I just really have a lot on my mind and… and I didn’t want to bother anyone with it.”

Jester looks up with her purple eyes that began tearing. “But you know you can come to any of us with anything. We’re friends, right? Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do?”

Beau couldn’t decide what hurt more: seeing Jester on the verge of tears or being the reason that she was in the first place. She willed whatever tears away and places her forehead on Jester’s. “I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m so fucking sorry…”

Jester lifts her head to face Beau and wipes her tears with her thumb, “I don’t want you to be sorry, Beau. I just want you to be okay.”

Beau’s eyes meet Jesters, finally allowing the tears to stream down her cheeks. Her words played on repeat in her mind before unintentionally muttering, “Oh, no.”

“What’s wrong?” Jester asks.

Beau just shook her head and repeated the phrase to herself. Immediately, she stood up and made her way towards the door.

“Wait, Beau!” Jester springs up to follow her. “Beau, what’s the matter?”

Beau puts a hand up, stopping Jester from coming any closer. Her body was visibly shaking, and the tears came down harder. “Jester…” she managed to say with her hushed, breaking voice. “The only reason I’m walking away right now is not because I hate you.” She opens the door and whispers before leaving, “I’m doing it because I can’t afford to love you as much as I do.”

Before Jester could even react, Beau walks out and slams the door behind her. She briskly makes her outside the tavern. All the fresh air she could take in would never be enough to calm her mind and heart down. She flips her jacket over to the brown side and huddles inside as she walks to wherever her feet would take her. She looks at the window to her room for a moment, but the moment the light went out, so did Beauregard’s hopes to ever come back from possibly the biggest, most stubborn mistake that she’s made for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> hello all! thank you for taking the time to read this! i know it's been forever since i've been on here, but i'm planning on changing that. this little angsty idea was originally @_StrawberryFox_ on twitter. go follow her (apologies if this isn't your preferred pronouns! please let me know what they are for the future)! such an amazing artist!
> 
> also feel free to follow me on twitter as well: @zomi_hime, on tumblr: @zomi-hime, and leave me any asks or story suggestions on curiouscat: zomi_hime. i truly appreciate and welcome all comments and feedback!
> 
> edit: i've also posted this on my new ko-fi page! if you feel generous, go ahead and consider donating and supporting the page! it would mean a lot to me! here's the link: https://ko-fi.com/zomi_hime


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